Ask Us Not to Record Your Wonders

"The happy day passed like a dream."

I ran across this quote in June of last year, as the week of my second brother's wedding was coming to an end, and my family was preparing to scatter to the four corners of the U.S. To return to their homes and continue life as usual. And after a long cry and a flight home, time was placed in fast-forward again, only pausing to allow me to remember certain moments as life swept me along.

And now, just three months away from another June, time is paused. Just long enough for me to look back on what has happened. How much I have survived, grown from, laughed over, cried through and recorded as vague flashes of colors and sounds and moments. And I could write about every little thing, and spend a whole night laughing over memories that have become inside jokes and friendships that have grown. But one blessing, tonight, stands among the rest as a beautiful representation of what God gives.

Last Spring, a show called "Spoon River Anthology" was announced among several plays in the season that my University was scheduled to perform through this last school year. And when the title was given, I looked to my classmates with confusion as to what in the world this anthology was about. And then time swept us on a wild journey through a short Summer, a fall semester, a stressful musical, a struggle for A's and B's. And "Spoon River" was shoved to the back of our minds through it all. Auditions for the show came and went, a cast list circled around, and when it was time to concentrate on it, we hardly knew what we were getting ourselves into.

And then rehearsals began. And so rapidly, things changed. It went beyond the countless monologues assigned to us. It delved deeper than the lengthy hours we spent separately and together, tripping over lines and missing the point of words. It was lost in the five or ten minute breaks allotted to us, when we would flee to fresh air or breathless laughter that kept us company later. It was in the passing moments that melded in together to create some strange blessing that is only realized after it is over.

Six weeks that blurred into flashes. Fifteen or so people thrown together from the most diverse directions. Beginning with bold quips and ending with long strings of awkward banter that caused uproars of laughter. And every little moment in between. A wonderfully cramped dressing room buzzing with endless energy (which often got us in trouble). A flock of wild turkeys. Back aches and hard benches. Morning, Scum. Quiet moments of support when a cast member's tears called for help. Counting those Bottles of Beer on the Wall. Making faces across the stage behind curtains. Loud nights in a 24-hour diner. And all those little things that were lost in the shuffle. Relationships that bloomed when we weren't even looking. A cast that became a strange, talented, hilarious, beautiful family with a patient Director at the helm. Until, with tears falling during the final "Spoon River" song, I looked around the stage at this cast of happy misfits. And counted a little blessing among many.

Little blessings that cannot be taken away. No matter how fast time flies, or how many more cast lists go up on the cork board, or how far we scatter away from each other in our pursuit of living. One thing always remains, offering a smile in times when I miss this cast, when I wish for the times back. One bittersweet, happy thought... There is a little "town" that we can always call home. A little collection of memories that will fade in all but beauty. One thing that is always guaranteed. We will always have Spoon River.

And I thank God for all of you.

Finally, Farewell

It is with a sigh of shuddering relief that I finally was able to scroll past the newest picture on that infamous social media site and not receive another arrow in my very sore heart. And in that moment, I felt triumph.

Triumph that I made it. I made it past the rough seas of heartache, made it through the rockiness of trapped anger and stifled sobs in the night. The early hours of the morning spent curled in a ball staring into the past-- they were done. And I could finally, finally smile again-- and mean it. I had reached the shore. The heartbreak was over.

This heartbreak had begun just before my 20th birthday. Yes, dear readers, another heartache. Under different circumstances, with a different boy, and only a similar ending. A scared little girl who had been hurt in the past, I shied away from a small blessing; a blessing which didn't pursue to even wonder why. The laughter I had shared with this blessing died, the small moments in which I truly felt happy again had ended, and I was left in total darkness. My birthday was spent nursing sobbing eyes in the care of a loving sister. But it wasn't over yet. It escalated into madness, lies were shared and believed, impossible things became reality, and there I was. Thrown over, abandoned, ever on the losing side of things.

And I smiled. It's always easy to put on a face. It saves other people trouble if you don't complain and whine and cry in front of them. So I smiled. I smiled and gave my blessing on a new relationship that was too close to me; I smiled and nodded when happy tidings were shared. I smiled so much I became sick of it, and became a stranger to myself and my family-- people who had done nothing but support me. A dark person, full of anger and resentment, bitterness and secret tears. I became fearful of myself, but I couldn't control it. I let everything eat at me, tortured myself by swallowing every piece of news I learned about this blessing-gone-wrong and the new relationship that had formed so rapidly. Why did I do this? I didn't have a proper answer. Perhaps I still don't. My heart has been shattered, newly mended and shattered again by someone else. And I swallowed every last arrow. Because I want to make everyone happy. And everyone was just that-- happy. Everyone but me. But my soul. I struggled, I smiled, I cried, I cursed myself for letting me hurt so much, so badly. I believed I deserved it, to hurt, because I had let go of him one moment in time. I had shied away because I was scared of hurting again. And things changed. Things changed all around me, but I remained the same. Stuck in the mud of what could have been, until one morning-- very recently, I woke up... And smiled.

A real smile. An easy smile that felt good. I still feel the pang, but it doesn't sting as much. I'm able to laugh at the little silliness of life, at the memories I now cherish regardless. And I released the blessing with thanks to God for sending it my way. The laughs, the smiles, the words that told me for a short time that I meant something to someone. That I was worth more than I think I am. The realization that I deserve as much as God has planned for me. And I feel as if it's going to be great.

Whether I find a sweet, caring soul to trade hearts with, or I go at life on my own, here's to the future. And finally, farewell to the past.

The Letter

"Hello Darling,

Goodness, it's been a while since we've talked. A while since I've set eyes on you. Since I've felt your hand in mine and we were just allowed to be. So long, it feels like a lifetime. Like we haven't even met.

Do you think of me often? And when you do, do you wonder what I'm doing? What is bothering me at a particular moment, if I let my mind wander possibly more than I should. Do you try to imagine my smile, how my laugh sounds, what makes me really excited. Just the little things that make me, me. Because I think about those things with you all the time. Simple things, little details that are lost in every day life. But are cherished when really thought about. Oh dear, how I miss you. Even if there's not quite a reason to. Not yet.

Do you stop to wonder if we pass each other every day? Like ships in the night, we offer each other little smiles and continue on our ways. Polite, and cordial, and perhaps we are even friends. After all, the world is full of so many people, and we have met so many already. Are you among the sea of faces that have already crossed by my eyes? And when will you become more than a flash? When will that magic moment be, when our eyes meet and everything else-- as they say, is history.

I don't wonder that so much. Although I miss you, and even though I want to know your name so I can say it over and over, that magic moment can take its time. Because you see, lovely, there are two people somewhere in the course of time. They're just meeting, laughing, talking. Being friends, perhaps. In the past or the future, we are there already. And there are two more people who are preparing for an evening, in fact many of them. Different, special, each one of them. Getting to know each other and laughing and holding hands. We're already there. And a ring, and a wedding, and a happy life full of love and all things hard and challenging but oh-so-worth it. Darling, you and me, we're already there. And there we are, laughing, talking, loving, living.

The future. It holds so much. Dreams, hopes, careers, goals, chances, little details that build into this beautiful picture. And we're both living it at this very moment. Together, but separate. We're already there. So here's to you, the future holder of my heart. I'll catch you on the other side, love. Until then, we'll always have those moments when we happen to think of each other at exactly the same time. And in that case, darling, we're already there.

Sincerely with love,
Your Future Someone."

Resolved Enough

I sat there staring right into space, tirelessly going through the list of countless things I do before bed to make my insomniatic mind calm down at least a little. I couldn't talk, my sister was gladly traversing the land between awake and sleeping. I didn't want to read, to listen to music. I didn't want to explore the strange world called YouTube. Most of all-- and this is when you know it's serious. I couldn't even convince myself to write. Nothing appealed to me, not even sleep. This was the beginning of the oncoming nightmare I always work so hard to avoid.

I hate nights like this. I've experienced them enough to know they never end well. In fact, it's worse than that. I fear them. Because after I finally relent and switch off the light. While I'm lying there beneath the thin shield of my blankets, my eyes shut tight in hopes it'll help anything. That's when it happens. My mind starts to wander. And there he is.

It's without fail for a few months now. This strange face that represents the past, cast with the dreamy orange glow that denotes the sense of rueful nostalgia. It's fascinating and frightening, expected yet completely unwelcome. These nights. The ones with little sleep and bursting mind with no fruitful thoughts. These nights I would've talked to him. Back before everything. So long ago now, it feels like a lifetime. So now he sits there, staring. As if waiting for me to break the news that no, I haven't invented time travel yet. And no, I will never see him again.

He's not real. Then again, he is. It's rather complicated. And it would take take too much time and pain to explain. But this boy, this silent soul who follows me everywhere... He's trapped in the past. A reflection of young days, spent laughing and gazing and running and playing. Of being special. He's still there making a little blond girl smile, despite the braces she hides. It's just for that reason that I can't speak to the boy. Because he's there. A few years back and happily innocent. And I'm here. With the broken pieces that are in his future.

And there's this man. This grown man who the boy doesn't know he'll be. This man who probably doesn't know how many oceans of tears belong to him. Tears that have sunk silently into the pillow while I beg God for sleep to rescue me. A man who didn't sew up the now-patchworked heart he probably doesn't know he shattered. He's real. And so am I. And so is everything else. Almost too real.

That one moment when the innocence was shattered. When the little girl ran away into the night and the boy hid himself in the past for safety. Sometimes I stand there apart from the two of us, relishing that moment right before it all turned black. Sometimes I'll catch sight of pictures I took that very night, or I'll find myself staring out of the window on car rides, remembering the smallest details of roads where we traveled. And I almost see those two little hearts, so dear and distant. Laughing together. Because life was simple then. Life was strawberries and coca-cola. Life was bits of string and quiet singing. Life was holding hands in a yellow mustang, all dolled up. Life was growing up. Together.

 In one of our last few conversations-- though I didn't realize it at the time-- we spoke of our strange story. We discussed what it would be called and what would be in it. Would it be a love story? A story of just that, growing up? Would it ever have a happy ending? That day, I promised myself that I would write it all down, from the very beginning when I spotted a teenage boy sitting on my living room couch, to the very end. The end that no one could guess would ever actually happen. Simply because it was so unexpected, so very real life it almost felt fake. And occasionally I will allow my childish mind to take over and make up scenarios in which I wake up from an awful nightmare and we two laugh about it together over coffee in that same ol' Starbucks. At that same table. I think about that place too. I've been in it a few times since, but it still feels like that cafe is stuck back in time. Where everything is safe.

"Oh, what a story we'd make," he had said. "How would it end?" I inquired, playing with the string on my wrist. And he looked at me, shrugged, and that smile I remembered for good. "That's the fun part. Nobody knows."

Nobody knows because it's the story of our lives. It could end a hundred years from now, or tomorrow. That's life. But our story-- oh that story. I could say it's all over, but that's just the thing. It's not. We never see each other anymore, we only talk in memories. But the ghosts are still following us. They guide our every actions, whether we know it or not. This boy, this man was there when we grew up. Those odd important years where everything seems so much worse than it is. We became adults together, joined the world together, suffered together but stuck together. For so long. Fate intervened but somehow I still feel like we are together, just in spirit. A shadow of each other following us because those experiences-- though painful and difficult for me to dwell on with dry eyes, were strange little tests to see how we'd grow. Like one road can branch off into several pathways, we are meant to choose our direction on this confusing journey. I chose and I kept walking, but perhaps I should've left the rear-view mirror behind.

I'm leaving this city in just a few days. I'm leaving the place in which I grew the most. I'm leaving ghosts behind, back roads behind, picnic tables, cafes, fields, swing-sets, everything. No matter how frightening that notion is, maybe it's just what I need. So my eyes don't rest on things that dig up my memories for me to go over for the countless time. Good memories laid atop horrible ones because I've tried to bury the demons. I'll be back to this town, if only for a little while. But perhaps every time I return, I'll be a little older, a little wiser, a little more free. I'm growing up. And that doesn't mean releasing the child in me. I'm learning who I am, where I belong. And I don't know how long that'll take. But I'm willing to wait, and willing to try.

I need to move on, it's so long overdue now. This'll be the hard chapter in the story that's mine, possibly one of many. But here's me, trying. This is the end, as well as a beginning.

The End of An Era

It's strange that one moment you go some place where you used to draw peace and excitement and a means to escape, and in that one small second, you realize that hallowed place no longer holds any meaning to you except the negative kind.

And this place doesn't even have to be a physical place. It can be a certain time of day at which you do a certain thing. It can be a state of mind you find yourself in when you stare too long at a wall. It can be a place on your laptop screen that you spend too much time exploring as if you actually live there. For me, it's the final example.

An online writing community. A place where fellow writers gather on the face of the internet, circle themselves around a certain plot, which one or more characters and them all interact and go about their fictional lives. I loved it. I admired some of the characters, was able to get along and laugh with the writers behind these made-up people, and was easily able to look past the ones who believed themselves better than all, when in fact they were just along the same lines. And then it all changed one bright morning. I can't even remember when exactly I signed into this community and was unable to locate that same feeling of excitement I used to draw just by catching up on everything that was happening. Perhaps it was the moment my naive eyes unknowingly locked on an actual R-rated scene before I released a shocked cry and wildly scrolled away from the words.

Writing. Using words to paint a vivid picture for the avid reader to look on later and feel that sense of excitement that the writer felt when initially painting. To form the emotion of anger, happiness, sadness, suspense, and any other feeling that can be drawn from such mysterious and wonderful things as words. And after reading that scene between two writers, with such detailed foulness, it tainted my definition of writing for a long while. I sat there before the books I had abandoned for the sake of this writing community. I frowned and scowled every time I returned to the community in order to keep my own characters active. And finally, almost all my writing muse was dried up, because each time I entered that community like a fool returning for more punishment, the writings, the conversations, the pictures would just get worse and worse. And me, the naive little girl, believed I could ignore it. After all, the world is like that, right? It has to be ignored, you can't make it go away. False. You can choose to space yourself from all that! And it took me far too long to realize it.

It pains me to leave that community. I built up three very deeply thought characters which I will have to abandon. I have made friendships that are bound not to be as strong as they would be if I didn't have to go. But I have priorities, even if they took a while to sort themselves out. My faith, my innocence, my absolute LOVE for writing-- all of these are being put on the line while I am a part of of this community with low morals. I never took part in any of what the other writers did, but it was painful enough, sickening enough, sinful enough to pass through and hold my nose while I scrolled on acting like nothing in the world was wrong. But it was. And it still is. And now comes the hard part. Telling the friends I am leaving. Silently putting to rest three characters I felt a connection to. And starting afresh somewhere else. Like in the pages of the book I have put on hold writing, in order to keep active on the constantly demanding community I used to draw excitement from until it almost controlled my life. It's all over. And now, I can finally start writing for myself. And for those readers who believe words are an art form, and respect them as much as I do.

Skimming the Surface

(Well this is full of ranting and probably doesn't nearly cover what I want to say, but maybe this is just the first in a series of rants. Either way, here it is...)

I felt like screaming. Like kicking something, or just slapping my hands to my face, curling into a ball and waiting for the earth to swallow me up. The only thing that kept me from doing all this was the fact that I was in public. It was strange, though, how a single picture can stab you in the gut and poison you with such emotion.

I think it was the way he was staring through the camera lens at me. It was just like in person, the way I would just occasionally catch him studying my face. I say those times were special because he barely looked at me; I mean really looked at me, the way I did him. Mostly I would find him staring off out of a window or across a room, and I would wonder where his mind had wandered, and why he couldn't take me with him. Did that idea ever cross his thoughts? That I wanted to be carried along on his wildest dreams? Or did he not want me there? Had I not gained his trust enough for something that special?

But all this isn't about looks, or times together, or why it all didn't work out. Though that does play a part. No. The following words address that strange phenomenon called heartbreak. And how it can sneak up on you at the oddest moments and in the strangest forms.

For me it was in the same coffee shop I had last seen him in. I was with a friend this time; a dear friend who I knew would rewrite the bittersweet and sour memories that I had lived in that place. I had cried right before him, closed the door to possibilities for the final time, and we had parted ways with strange farewells that were wrought with to be continued's that might not even follow through. Friends. I told him he'd always have one in me. And he said he'd wished it ended differently.

But no. The story wasn't over yet. I kept my distance because I didn't know how to react. It was strange that I still wanted to talk to him. That I had to train myself to not check my email in case he had sent me a hello message. It was odd that even with all he had dragged me through, through all I had put up with silently, good times run over by bad times.... I admitted to myself I missed him. I missed the innocent happiness we shared before it all went wrong and I woke up from the dream with tears in my eyes. I promised myself I would talk to him the moment I was ready again, just like he said he would give me time to. And on the very morning I even considered the possibility of rejoining the thread of communication, the horrors of Facebook slapped me full across the cheek over breakfast.

"In a Relationship"? What? Not a week after he had told me he would wait a lifetime. Not five days after that moment in Starbucks when we had said goodbye and he wished it had turned out better. I remember just staring at my sister as she relayed the strange tidings that had been posted on the news feed for everyone to read. But only me unable to comprehend. I didn't expect him to be heartbroken over the end of 'us', I didn't want him to curl into a ball and wither away due to the pain I had loaded on him. I just thought words held more weight than just things to be said-- no, typed. Because more often than not those were the conversations we held. Staring through a screen at one another's thoughts, never hearing our voices actually speak them. But when he actually said the words "This will probably only settle in next week," and "I only want to make sure you're okay and you don't blame yourself for how this ended," I just-- was blind. They were words, nothing more. And now looking back on the moment, after the tears and-- yes maybe a little heartbreak, I'm able to smile and perhaps even laugh. At my shear insolence over everything!

Girls, seriously, do we rely on men's good opinion so much that we fail to see how foolish we can appear in the sight of them? I've been played, duped, taken for the fool that perhaps I was! Yet still I feel that pang in my heart when I happen across a picture or a message I saved from my time with him. We let our hearts play tricks on our minds and see what we want to see so often that we fail to realize we deserve so much more. This is by NO MEANS an attack on any man who feels offended by the content of this mindless rant. Especially it is not meant to target that unfortunate man I am addressing in the third person. Take this as one of the many rambling thought-processes I take in order to heal from something that bothers or troubles or hurts me. I think it's a common human flaw, the acceptance of the love we think we deserve. But more often than not, that love we're accepting with a relenting sigh doesn't near reach the level in which God sees you. The love God has provided without a thanks, because you don't see it --how special you are-- yourself. So the world spins on, with discontented lovers who wish to one day become that old married couple who bickers with smiles and aren't afraid to hold hands in public. The thing we forget is-- that stage takes time, we just sometimes aren't willing to seek the rare gem out. Most of us are able to see past this initial self-doubt and wait around countless years for that soul that fits to yours like a near-perfect puzzle piece. But that other percentage of our population is simply not willing to go the extra miles (however long those miles be, sailing alone) in order to finally find that fate we call "the one". But, I suppose with this last heartbreak, I'm one step closer.

So I should thank you, dear Question Mark (you shall remain anonymous simply because the situation is between you and me and not the whole of whoever shall read this). You have taught me lesson over lesson without even knowing. How to carry myself, how to swallow pride, how to stand up for something I believe in, and most important, what I deserve when it comes to the matters of the heart. I was broken when we parted, I cried rivers over you, but now I shrug off the cloak that I have been carrying around for far too long now. I wish you luck with that special girl you found while passing time with me. I cherish the time we shared before everything dimmed into reality. And thanks to you I'm finally able to hold my head up and look to the future. Love will find me, as it will find all of us sooner or later. But for now, there's no shame in being "on your lonesome". Because maybe on your lonesome is how you decide what you're willing to wait for.

Looking Glass

When I was ten years old, I used to look at my two older sisters and wish so badly that I could skip forward through time until I was a teenager, with beauty, experience, and what I thought to be a fresh look on the world. I could play games but look physically like the heroines that I looked up to (my sisters, yes, being three of those role models). I used to hate my young and naive face, my frizzy long hair, my inability to wear make-up. I wanted to grow up. And now... two days from my nineteenth birthday, I find myself staring into the past through space when I should be writing a college research paper... I realize something very important and very heartbreaking all at once...

I so badly want to be kid again.

And surprisingly it's not for the obvious reasons, though those do play a part. Responsibility crushes me, deadlines throw their ruthless surprises toward this queen of procrastination, and I fight the battle of a near-adult on a daily basis. But I think what really hits me is the details just inside of all this. Details. I never noticed them as a little blond imp running around with braids flying behind me and imagination wild but inexperienced. I literally lived life day by day. Step by step was my balance, and weekends were those times with swimming and movie and dinner in the living room. That's all. Simple. Perfect. Back when the house was loud and small but big and sunny.

And now, things are... so different. I live life by tasks. I have to complete this paper by this date, I have to get to the bank before too long, I have to get a job so I can prepare for the future. What a foreign word that used to be and still is, but now so much scarier. The house is emptier and quiet, happy but-- big. Oh, so big. And it really just hit me tonight as I sit here scared for what the future brings... God forgive me, I never thought.

I never thought that one day my three best friends who were as tiny and dreamy as I was would be in college or headed there, spacing off in their own directions, pursuing what they love. I never thought that my oldest brother who was posing with his prom dates in the living room or cuddling with me would one day be a happily married lawyer with three children. I never thought my second brother would go away from me at all, that the games would end and he would be getting married soon. I never thought of my Addie as an Army wife and mother. Never thought of Emily as a wife with child and facing things that grown-ups face... I never thought Laura, my comrade and partner in crime, would grow up at all. And me? well, I just never thought.

But most importantly I missed all those details. Those little things like sitting at a table over school books but laughing with my sisters. Mom eating breakfast at a marble table in a Army post house. Dad coming home and letting us excitedly take of his Army boots. My brothers entertaining the family from the back seat of a large van. Holidays, weekends, arguments, family reunions with Aunts, Uncles, cousins, a loving Grandfather.... Sibling rivalry that lasted days but ended with laughter like nothing had ever been wrong. And that just skims the surface. Every little thing that lies inside my mind and heart but is shared with seven others, other memories recalled with laughter that I'm still able to meditate on with those involved because I can never relive them.

But I realize one more thing. I never valued time when I was younger, and whereas I regret it... I don't believe I value it nearly as much still today. I find myself just wishing it would return. Back to where all I had to care about was if I kissed every family member good night before bed. Back before I had to make those grown-up decisions that frustrate me. Not to trade the years I've spent growing up, because I've met such wonderful people that I just find them impossible blessings God has bestowed on me. But to pause time, look around and have just a moment to meditate before life whisks another change my way. I am about to embark on something so big in my life, but all I want to do is climb up into a familiar wooden chair and listen to my family yelling and laughing and living together.

And beyond my childhood, in just the six or so years I've lived in this little-big town called Temple, Texas. So many people have touched me in so many ways. Family friends turned into deeper relationships that I still value. A bond linking across a wide ocean that feels more like one room. People who I worked with, talked with, laughed with and might never see again. People I've learned from, prayed for, cried over. It's all part of this big, heartbreaking, wonderful thing called growing up. You can't stop it. Just cherish it. Every single little moment, even the ones that are painful or annoying. Because every little moment, I've realized, is a gift. I hear it all the time, but I never listened. Until now.

So in two days, when I embark on the final year of my teenage life, one thing will especially weigh on my mind as I take the leap. Life and ALL of those people in it are meant to be cherished, thanked, valued, learned from, and loved. So, I raise my glass to the future, but also to the past that prepared me to face it...