Ah, yes, Disney Channel. The greatest spot to get any life message you need to hear. The perfect place to remind you one: you ARE special and two: that you can truly write a song about every little situation --ever.
Yes, I was watching the Disney channel today and a song came on stating simply "It's time for me to be somebody". And yes, that is quite a hokey message, perhaps even a little "high school musical" but I say for a final time: YES, I found myself leaning closer to the screen with big dreamy eyes, drinking in the message of the song from the bright and beautiful tween girl singing back at the camera. And if you take away the sparkly music video, the fluffy melody and the perfect poster children singing it, the poetry behind the words "time to be somebody" rang true and straight to my heart. Because I am the 17 year old girl at home who for all her "long" life has been in a public school two years (and ladies and gentleman, that's first and second grade), never got a summer break (what can I say--procrastinator.) and is now faced with the realization she'll have to stick around home for another two years. But it's not for any normal means, naturally. I'm not the trouble maker kid who didn't pay attention in my make-shift classroom/sewing room downstairs, and I've most certainly always been the one up late nights completing biology homework on the bathroom floor. No, no. You mistake me. The two years that I am assigned (worst. homework. assignment. ever.) have to do completely with my inability to stay seated in a classroom chair without hearing my name 20 times per hour, called from all corners of a house.
My mornings consist of breakfast, coffee (if there's some leftover), helping mom and dad with lunches, wishing both a good day at school and work respectively, getting ready in thirty minutes and then tossing some laundry in the washer/dryer, continuing on to the dishes, folding said laundry and then MAYBE some time for a school lecture or two (read from a book in many assorted accents by my lips), before it's off to lunch, where I rummage through the fridge, shove some left-overs down my throat, and then I change over the laundry, maybe empty said dishwasher I loaded earlier, and then MAYBE I can sit down long enough to watch a DVD lecture of school (if I don't get distracted with more folding laundry). Oh, joy, work has arrived and I'm out the door exactly at 3:00, I sit there at work (where I babysit two very...energetic boys of ages ten and eight), bide my time until it's the internet hour with a dear friend...who I've never met in person but who lives across a "few" MILES of ocean in Germany...ahem. Then I bide my time (what am I so excited for?) impatiently until it's around 6:00 (depending on the day), head home, help or make dinner (depending on the day again), eat said dinner (oooh three people dinners...fun.), watch my parents scatter in all directions...sit there drinking coffee and surfing channels... do the dishes... sit there surfing channels...actually look FORWARD to 10:30...go to bed (after wrapping up the bird's cage, feeding the fish and taking the dog out for the night).
And yes, ladies and gentleman, if you have stuck around this long, that is my life, and yes it's lame. So now you ask where was I headed with this long-winded "introduction"? I'm getting there. The real interesting stuff happens after my nightly prayers and when I'm just drifting off to sleep, just comfortable enough to allow the dreams of the misty life ahead to trickle into my weary mind. Somehow I find myself in the same scene every time I close my eyes before sleeping: leaning over a wide board room table, dressed in the most adorable business attire my mind can muster, with Kristen Bell's face, New Yorker style, and a fresh attitude, taking charge, telling people what to do in order to get out of the latest hitch. Odd right? But it's glorious at the same time. It's perfect; because I'm making a difference in the world. That's what I want to do!
Do you ever watch those movies that make high school out to be challenging, yes, brutal, maybe and perhaps like a nightmare but somehow in the end it all turns out to be a world of awesomeness? That is my perception of high school right now (blame none other than the Disney Channel for that one). But no, honestly, I do know that high school is a pain (to put it VERY lightly). My five older siblings have let me know this, even the sister who's never been to high school is attempting to snap me out of it. But I KNOW! And still, I find myself tonight nearly turning to my mother and blurting out "can I go to school for my Senior year this fall?!" (disclaimer...I didn't do it. Which is why I'm still alive and writing to you (who's you?) right now). This little paragraph is just to paint a picture of just how desperate I really am... I am a sad state of affairs, I know. ;)
But... It IS my time to be somebody, I cannot wait two more years. I wake up every morning staring at my ceiling just waiting. For what? I don't know. But I wish I did. Life. It's so murky right now I just don't know what lies at the end of the long dark tunnel I'm wandering through. I just want to run, to see what's waiting for me, to finally know I'm making that difference in the world I yearn for whenever that crystal scene meets my eyes. This posting may be full of useless ramblings and a long string of grammatically correct (or incorrect) pipe-dreams and rubbish. But it's my thoughts. It's my heart. And it's my life. But I don't want to be trapped inside my own home anymore, staring down from a high tower, waiting for the mist below to clear so I can take that leap.
I just want a voice to call to me, letting me know where to go from here...
