Finally, Farewell

It is with a sigh of shuddering relief that I finally was able to scroll past the newest picture on that infamous social media site and not receive another arrow in my very sore heart. And in that moment, I felt triumph.

Triumph that I made it. I made it past the rough seas of heartache, made it through the rockiness of trapped anger and stifled sobs in the night. The early hours of the morning spent curled in a ball staring into the past-- they were done. And I could finally, finally smile again-- and mean it. I had reached the shore. The heartbreak was over.

This heartbreak had begun just before my 20th birthday. Yes, dear readers, another heartache. Under different circumstances, with a different boy, and only a similar ending. A scared little girl who had been hurt in the past, I shied away from a small blessing; a blessing which didn't pursue to even wonder why. The laughter I had shared with this blessing died, the small moments in which I truly felt happy again had ended, and I was left in total darkness. My birthday was spent nursing sobbing eyes in the care of a loving sister. But it wasn't over yet. It escalated into madness, lies were shared and believed, impossible things became reality, and there I was. Thrown over, abandoned, ever on the losing side of things.

And I smiled. It's always easy to put on a face. It saves other people trouble if you don't complain and whine and cry in front of them. So I smiled. I smiled and gave my blessing on a new relationship that was too close to me; I smiled and nodded when happy tidings were shared. I smiled so much I became sick of it, and became a stranger to myself and my family-- people who had done nothing but support me. A dark person, full of anger and resentment, bitterness and secret tears. I became fearful of myself, but I couldn't control it. I let everything eat at me, tortured myself by swallowing every piece of news I learned about this blessing-gone-wrong and the new relationship that had formed so rapidly. Why did I do this? I didn't have a proper answer. Perhaps I still don't. My heart has been shattered, newly mended and shattered again by someone else. And I swallowed every last arrow. Because I want to make everyone happy. And everyone was just that-- happy. Everyone but me. But my soul. I struggled, I smiled, I cried, I cursed myself for letting me hurt so much, so badly. I believed I deserved it, to hurt, because I had let go of him one moment in time. I had shied away because I was scared of hurting again. And things changed. Things changed all around me, but I remained the same. Stuck in the mud of what could have been, until one morning-- very recently, I woke up... And smiled.

A real smile. An easy smile that felt good. I still feel the pang, but it doesn't sting as much. I'm able to laugh at the little silliness of life, at the memories I now cherish regardless. And I released the blessing with thanks to God for sending it my way. The laughs, the smiles, the words that told me for a short time that I meant something to someone. That I was worth more than I think I am. The realization that I deserve as much as God has planned for me. And I feel as if it's going to be great.

Whether I find a sweet, caring soul to trade hearts with, or I go at life on my own, here's to the future. And finally, farewell to the past.